What's Mr. Right Looking for?

If you're a Christian single woman who desires to marry a godly man, let's just say it: it's hard out here. In your parents' generation, over 60% of women married by the age of 25. Today? The number is about half of that.

Some of that decline can no doubt be traced back to the insidious effects of the feminist movement that has devalued marriage and the family, and elevated the independent, corporate woman. But there are many women who are being drowned by that crashing wave of decline, that genuinely and rightly desire the blessing of a God-honouring covenant with a God-fearing man.

Our good friend Susannah* is a prime example. She lives at a great distance from us, so we look forward to the short visits we get from her a couple times a year. On her most recent visit, we sat together late into the night catching up, laughing and exchanging encouragements. One area she seemed particularly exasperated over was the difficulty she is facing as she seeks to meet a godly man with whom she can form a relationship that would lead to marriage. This is something we knew would come up at some point in our conversations. She's in her late 20's and we've had some version of this conversation with many of our single friends.

She opened up about the difficult and painful situations she has been in over the past couple years as she responded to the expressed interest of a few different men. It was difficult to listen to, and I bemoaned the experience that she and many women experience today as they feel a sense of heart-sickening deferred hope (Proverbs 13:12). They wonder why it seemed so simple for women of the past and so effortless for some of their friends to marry and start a family.

After countless encounters with men who either aren't pursuing marriage with purpose, aren't excited about the idea of having children or don't come close to being biblically qualified to take a wife, the steam needed to start up the engine of anticipation for the next suitor begins to dissipate.

Eventually, this can even cause them to wonder "is it me?". Rejection from the suitable, and disappointment in the unfit have their way of whispering into the soul that perhaps the problem lies in the mirror. We've seen this often lead to one of two outcomes: self-centredness or self-esteem issues.

Self-centredness is the more inconspicuous of the two. A woman- feeling like she's on a train of which she doesn't know the destination- decides to get off at the next stop and stroll into the town of Vanity Fair. She resolves to work on things she can control, rather than what she can't. She doesn't want to seem desperate to attract and impress someone else, so she aims all her efforts on making herself most happy with what she see's when she turns her head to catch a glimpse of herself in every window she passes. Cue the "self-care" culture; the four-legged friends full of affirming barks and grateful dependence for each meal; the bootcamps; the "I'm just focusing on me right now" answer when the uncomfortable topic comes up.

As much as this response may be celebrated by some, it is worth asking at this point: is this the lover of self that Paul warned about in 2 Timothy 3:2? We weren't made for and will never finally be satisfied with the approving nod from our twin on the shiny wall. We were made for more than that.

The other typical outcome of this perpetual disappointment is a weakened and hollowed self-esteem. The once confident woman who accepted a mans invitation to dinner or a walk in order to know and be known by him, now tends toward a certain guardedness. She has opened herself up too many times, and found in doing so that her self-disclosure was met with some form of retreat- be it the godly, mature kind that expresses incompatibility but sincerely wishes and prays for her best, or the ghosting kind.

In any case, what her response ultimately reveals is that the foundation of her confidence wasn't her identity and beloved status in Christ, but the expectation that her next date would see and respond appropriately to her bids for affirmation and affection. Her ultimate source of validation becomes apparent when she begins to retreat inward and develop a calloused, bleak outlook on the whole endeavour.

Rather than heeding the advice of George Muller who said "The first great and primary business to which I ought to attend every day is to have my soul happy in the Lord.", this sister is waiting to the end of the day when she's scheduled to meet Mr. Next-in-line, to make up her mind about whether it's a happy day or not.

I want to propose a third way. In your quest for "Mr. Right", true and sure success is found first in being clear on who "He" is. I mean, of course, that the One for whom your soul most fundamentally longs is not going to be found on an app, or at a lounge, or a young adults retreat (side note: are we actually calling 25 and 32 year olds young adults? I digress). He wont be found in your daydream, walking next to you as you push a stroller to the neighbourhood park. He is calling out to you from the pages of Holy Scripture (Proverbs 1:20-31). He is whispering at the window of your bedroom to come away with Him (Song of Solomon 2:10). He is waiting for you in that place where His beauty and glory shine brighter than the Sun (John 17:24; Revelation 21:23). He is the Lord Jesus Christ, the one who didn't put metal on your hand in proposal, but instead took metal through His to take away all your sin and complete you.

Absent satisfaction in His love and affection you will find no lasting happiness. Your expectations from the man of your dreams- even if met (which, of course they wont be)- will leave you lacking. You will attempt to place burdens on his shoulders which no mere mortal can carry, and you will once again meet with that old nemesis "hope deferred".

Lift your gaze and hear these ancient words from Henry Scougal:

love must needs be miserable, and full of trouble and disquietude, when there is not worth and excellency enough in the object to answer the vastness of its capacity. So eager and violent a passion cannot but fret and torment the spirit, when it finds not wherewith to satisfy its cravings; and, indeed, so large and unbounded in its nature, that it must be extremely pinched and straitened, when confined to any creature: nothing below an infinite good can afford it room to stretch itself, and exert its vigour and activity. What is a little skin-deep beauty, or some small degrees of goodness, to match or satisfy a passion which was made for God: designed to embrace an infinite good? No wonder lovers do so hardly suffer any rival, and do not desire that others should approve their passions by imitating it; they know the scantiness and narrowness of the good which they love, that it cannot suffice two, being in effect too little for one. Hence love, “which is as strong as death;” occasioneth “jealousy which is as cruel as the grave,” the coals whereof are coals of fire, which hath a most violent flame. But divine love hath no mixture of this gall. When once the soul is fixed on that supreme and all-sufficient good, it finds so much perfection and goodness, as doth not only answer and satisfy its affection, but master and overpower it too. It finds all its love to be too faint and languid for such a noble object, and is only sorry that it can command no more. It wisheth for the flames of a seraph, and longs for the time when it shall be wholly melted and dissolved into love; and because it can do so little itself, it desires the assistance of the whole creation, that angels and men would conquer with it the admiration and love of those infinite perfections.

This, dear sister. This is what you're made for. No creature has the capacity to answer the raging love in your soul. Neither do you have enough to fully satisfy your hoped-for spouse.

Instead, make it your aim to be well pleasing to the One who laid down His life to make you pleasing to Himself (2 Corinthians 5:9,21). He sees the imperishable beauty hidden within you and thinks it precious (1 Peter 3:4). He breaks out in song and delightful dance when He looks at you (Zephaniah 3:17).

Instead of looking for Mr. Right out there, look to be Mrs. Right to the Bridegroom who will one day whisk you off to His world of love. Not only will you find lasting joy and peace on this path, but you will also become the kind of woman that a man after God's heart is looking for. He's looking for you (Proverbs 18:22), and if God's wisdom he finds you, will you be to him to him the bride He needs?

Back to our living room with our out-of-town friend. She was leaving the next day, so I woke up early in the morning and wrote down this short list of things to encourage her in her pursuit of godliness. This is not a checklist to secure a great husband. This is a list of what God desires for His daughters to be like. And it so happens, that if God chooses to send a holy man your way, these will also be the attributes that most draw his heart to you.

• A woman who loves God as her first love:

• Prioritizes a deepening knowledge of God through His word of God and increasing conformity to His ways and will (John 17:3,17)

• Wholeheartedly desires to follow God’s will no matter the cost- to go anywhere, do anything and live any way that pleases the Lord (Mark 8:34-37)

• Desires to be instructed and discipled in the word of God (Ephesians 5:26)

• Has a humble and teachable heart (Ephesians 5:27)

• A woman who loves her husband as her second love:

• A woman who commits unreserved loyalty and honour to her husband (Romans 12:10)

• A woman who gladly gives her life to help her husband fulfill God’s will for his life in the home and in the world. (Genesis 2:18)

• A woman who sees as her life’s call, to support and enable her husband to be obedient in service to God; to be a helpmate in the mission that they have together. Not seeing her life as having its own mission, but seeing herself as enlisted by marriage to join the mission that God has placed on her husbands life. (Psalm 34:3)

• A woman convictionally committed to submitting to her husbands leadership even if that commitment leads her life in a direction other than what she envisioned (Ephesians 5:22-24)

• A woman who loves her family as her third love:

• A woman who desires the blessing of children (Psalm 127:1)

• A woman given to developing the gifts and aptitudes to keep the home and serve her family as her primary ministry (Titus 2:4-5)

• A woman who desires to give herself to the hidden work of discipling and educating her children (Titus 2:4-5)

• A woman who loves the church of God as her fourth love:

• A woman given to fostering relationships in the church (John 13:35)

• A woman who seeks to learn womanhood from older, godly women in the church (Titus 2:3)

• A woman who seeks to disciple younger women in the church (Titus 2:4)

• A woman who delights to serve the needs of the saints (1 Timothy 5:9-10)

• A woman who loves the lost as her fifth love:

• A woman who desires to see people saved and worshipping Jesus (Matthew 28:19-20)

• A woman who is hospitable and desires to open her home to friends and strangers (Titus 1:8)

• A woman who has a good reputation among unbelievers (1 Timothy 3:7)

• A woman who sees her life as an instrument of serving people in Christ’s name (Romans 12:1-2)

As you pursue conformity to the good design of your heavenly Father, you will know the unmitigated joy of walking closely with Him. You may also find the joy of journeying before your God with a man who not only loves what God loves, but joins Him as they both delight to see it reflected in you.

*name changed for the privacy of our friend.